Funny in tone, this breakup letter is directed at an inadequate boyfriend.
We are sorry to inform you that your application for a Permanent Relationship Visa has been denied. While you passed the physical benchmarks with flying colors, your poor performance in other key areas has led us to believe that there are others who are more qualified for the position.
In the hopes that you may better yourself and fix your errors, we are offering the following evidence of your disqualifying tendencies:
10. You failed the written exam. Seriously, texting a girl "What's up?" after a date is not the same as calling.
9. Your resume contained misleading information. You are not a doctor just because you moderate comments for WebMD.
8. You violated the office dress code. Black pants with brown shoes? Really?
7. Your application fee was inadequate. You are not expected to pay for dinner, but asking to bum money for a cab is generally considered tasteless.
6. Your listed skill sets were neither relevant nor transferrable to the job at hand. No one wants to hear about how many beers you could drink back in college.
5. Your job history is erratic and spotty. You seem to have submitted a rather large number of applications in just the last few months to multiple companies. What's that about?
4. Your references don't check out. Two ex-girlfriends have made it clear online that your work is sloppy, inattentive, and subpar.
3. Your attitude is not conducive to our work environment. Badmouthing the last company you worked at is not a good way to get hired.
2. The interview portion of the evening was inferior. You can talk about yourself all you want, but how about asking a few questions in return, pal?
1. You're just not what we're looking for right now.
We wish you the best in your continued job hunt. Feel free to reapply in 6 to 8 weeks, or after the equivalent number of drinks.
